


Lost It To Trying

by cosmic_phil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-04-28 23:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5108777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_phil/pseuds/cosmic_phil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A boy who fell in love with his best friend, goes through a turmoil of events. What will become of Dan Howell and Phil Lester?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter/story does feature suicide, so if this is not your cup of tea, you have been warned.

I never thought he would disappear from my life. It's funny how people can hurt you, even over little things. We have been friends since primary school. We were neighbors since we were five, but I moved. Daniel James Howell was his name, and this story is about the loved, and the lost.

It was a Friday morning. The spring air was warm. Dan was standing at the bus stop. He looked at me with his beautiful, brown eyes. The truth is, I like him. I have since primary school, but I could never tell him that. It would ruin the friendship we have. I still question our friendship, because he's the most popular guy in sixth form, while I wasn't. I consider myself average compared to him.

I walked up to him with Louise. Louise is my other best friend. Louise and I haven't been friends as long as Dan and I have. Louise was smiling a lot. I could tell she was excited for something. I couldn't tell what she was excited for.

"What are you smiling about?" I asked, trying not to sound rude.

"Duh, prom! It's a month away! Although, I still don't have anyone to go with." She exclaimed.

"Don't worry, Louise. You'll find someone." Dan reassured. I looked at him and smiled. Dan winked at me. I furrowed my eyebrows. I was confused. 'Why is he acting like this?' I thought.

We arrived to school twenty minutes later. We had some time to hang out. Louise left Dan and I by ourselves. Dan looked at me, and I glanced back at him.

"What?" I asked him.

"You know that Louise wants you to ask her to prom, right?"

"W-What?" I stuttered.

"Yeah. You should ask her. It'll make her happy." Dan replied. I didn't say anything. I wanted to say 'I love you, not Louise!' We both stood in awkward silence. Dan would take glances at me, and I would return them.

"Dan, there's something that-" I was about to tell him, but the school bell interrupted me. He waved goodbye and walked to class, and left me standing in the courtyard, alone.

Lunch arrived. Louise didn't have the same lunch as us, so Dan and I were left  
left to eat with his 'friends'. I say friends because they were just people who wanted to be him. Dan looked around slowly. I looked at him. He seemed to be studying the faces of our fellow students, while waiting in line.

"So, what was it that you wanted to tell me this morning?" He asked me, glancing at me.

"Oh, it's nothing." I looked at my feet. He grabbed my shoulders gently.

"You can tell me anything, Phil. You know this. We're friends, right?"

"Yeah," I muttered. He sighed. I looked at him. He stared at me, still holding onto my shoulders. "I'm sorry. I really am."

"Me too." He replied, while looking at his feet. I furrowed my eyebrows. 'What is he sorry for?' I thought.

School ended. Louise, Dan and I were walking home from the bus stop. Louise was walking in between Dan and I.

"I better head home. I'll see you guys later." He winked at me and turned around before Louise could see him winking at me. I watched him walk away for a little while before turning my attention to Louise.

"Listen, Louise. There's something that I should tell you." I was hesitate to tell her, but I had to.

"Yes?" She asked.

"I don't have the same feelings for you as you have for me." I paused. She didn't say anything. She stopped when I said that. She turned around and walked the other way. I swore I heard her crying.

Saturday night rolled by. I was laying on my bed, reading one of my collection of books, when I heard tapping on my window. I got up to look at what the noise was coming from. It was Dan. He was throwing pebbles at my window. I opened it.

"What are you doing, Dan?" I spoke in a loud whisper. He didn't say anything and signalled me to come downstairs. I didn't want to use the front door, because it would have woke my parents up, and because it is midnight. I climbed out the window and jumped down to him. He took my hand and headed to his parents' car. I was blushing, because he didn't let go of my hand, even when we got in the car. He looked at me, and glanced back at him.

"Where are we going?" I lasked him while he was driving, but he didn't reply. He kept driving. I looked at our hands. His fingers were locked in between mine.

We arrived to an open meadow. The moon and the stars were shining brightly. Dan lets go of my hand, and goes to the trunk to get a duvet. He returned back to the front. He signalled me to come with him. I grabbed the keys and walked with him. We walked to an empty spot. He lied the duvet on the ground. He sat on it, leaning on his hands. He patted the spot next to him. I sat beside him.

"What is this all about?" I asked him.

"Phil, do you ever wonder what kind of mark you have left on the world?"

"What do you mean? Like a lasting impact?"

"Exactly! Well, I want to leave mine before I graduate." I looked at him confusingly.

"What does this have to do with me?" He didn't answer me. He kissed my cheek. I blushed. I looked away. 'He knows!' I thought.

"D-Dan..." I stuttered. He shushed me and kissed me on the lips. I kissed him back.

"Phil, I want you to be my lasting impact, but I can't."

"What do you mean? Of course you can! I love you..." I muttered the last sentence. He must have heard me, because he grabbed my shoulders, and kissed my cheek again.

We lied on the duvet in silence. We were holding hands again. I never felt so happy. The boy that I love, my best friend, was holding my hand and laying with me. I must have fallen asleep, cause I woke up to Dan shaking me. The sun was about to rise. My eyes widened. I couldn't have my parents wake up with me out of the house.

"Come on, sleepyhead. Better get you home." Dan smiled at me. I kissed him on the lips. He blushed. He took my hand, and the duvet, and headed to the car. He drove me back to my house.

"The world is ugly, but you're beautiful to me." He told me before kissing me. I kissed him, then got out of the car.

Monday arrived. I walked into school with a big smile. Louise was still wasn't talking to me, but that was okay. I had Dan to myself. I was the happiest person in the world.

I strolled into my first class. I was expecting Dan to be in class, but his seat was empty. My smile faded. 'Where is he?' I questioned. Louise looked at me and then turned away quickly. I sat beside her.

"Hey, I'm sorry. We can go to prom as a group, you, Dan and I."

"Whatever." She flatly spoke. Before I could reply, our principal walked in. She was looking at everyone.

"I'm sad to inform you, but one of our fellow students, Daniel Howell, has committed suicide."


	2. Chapter 2

My heart shattered. 'Dan, dead? No, it can't be, but why?' These questions ran through my head. Louise looked at me with teary eyes. My eyes were focused on our principal. She showed us a copy of the note that Dan's parents found. 'My world has shattered. And it's not his fault. No, it's mine. Could be because I don't belong here. How, you ask? Easy, it's because I know a boy that I love. Sweet, he is. Truth is, he shouldn't be reading this. Ever. Reader, I hope to see you on the other side.' The note said.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I ran out the room, and Louise followed. I sat against the lockers and cried. Louise sat beside me and held my hand. She was crying too. I looked at her.

"Dan loves you. He wouldn't want you to be upset, and neither do I." She dried the tears off my face, but they kept pouring out of my eyes. She held onto me. I leaned my head onto her shoulder. Students and the principal emerged from the classroom. They tried to comfort me, but I still was crying. 'Why would Dan do this?' I thought.

A week went by. Today was the day; Dan's funeral. His body wasn't found, so the funeral had a closed casket service. I was dressed in my best suit. Louise knocked on my bedroom door. I let her in.

"Phil, I'm so sorry." She apologized. I didn't say anything, because, in all honesty, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to stay in my room, alone.

My parents drove us to the church. We got out of the car when we arrived. Dan's parents were standing at the front door. They were greeting people with teary eyes. We walked up to them. Dan's mother broke down when we walked up to her. I looked guilty and turned my head away. Dan's father held onto her, greeted us and we walk in.

We took our seats. Louise held onto my hand. I let her. The church was filled with students of ours. 'Maybe some of them do care.' I thought.

The service was over. Louise and I were standing at Dan's grave. Tears were staining my face. Louise didn't let go of my hand. I looked at her. She wiped the tears off my face. I was grateful to have a friend like Louise.

"Dan wouldn't want you to cry."

"You're right. Louise, there's something that I have been thinking about."

"Yes?" She asked.

"I noticed something in Dan's suicide note."

"What did you see?"

"I had to steal the school's copy, but what I noticed is that the note really didn't make sense, until I circled the first letters of each sentence."

"And?"

"It spells out Manchester. Dan's alive, I just know it. He's in Manchester somewhere. My guess that he's at the summer camp we went to, when we were fourteen. You remember? Anyway, I'm going to go looking for him, are you coming with me?"

"Phil, I don't know what to say," I looked down. I started to walk away. "Where are you going? Yes, I'll go with you." She ran after me. She took my hand. I smiled.

It was six on Sunday morning. My bag was packed for our road trip. Louise was waiting in her car. Her car was parked down the block, because it would have woken up my parents. I grabbed my duffel bag, placed it across my chest, and climbed out the window. I had left a note explaining to my parents that I was going on a road trip, and I wasn't sure when I was coming back, but I love them.

Louise unlocked the car for me. I placed my bag in the back seat. Louise looked at me. I got into her car. She started to drive, while I slept.

The sunlight beamed onto my face. Louise had pulled over to sleep. The car was locked. I checked my watch. It was eight- thirty in the morning. I woke up Louise and switched seats with her. I drove the rest of the way. Louise was snoring softly. She sounded so peaceful. I drove around the holes in the road, so she could sleep fine.

We arrived in Manchester around nine-fifty in the morning. Louise was awake now. She yawned quietly. I looked at her and smiled. She smiled back and turned my head towards the road.

"We're at the camp." I told her as I pulled into the entrance. Louise turns her attention away from me. The camp looked eerie when no one was there. We got out of the car. Louise held onto my hand. I held onto hers. I helped Louise up the fence. She made it safely over the fence. I joined her.

"Where should we start?"

"I think we should start in the cabin that Dan and I stayed in. I think it was cabin ten." We head to cabin ten. Surely enough, the front door was open. 'Dan has been here.' I thought. We enter the cabin. I used the torch from my phone as a light source. We see another note on one of the beds. 'You'll never know my pain. Or the pain I've caused others. Red roses on my grave, won't be enough to recover everyone. Kill me, softly.'

"York! He's in York! I just know it. Come on!" I grabbed Louise's hand and dragged her with me. I got in the driver's side. Louise buckled her seatbelt. We drive to York.

Now, neither Louise, Dan or I have ever been to York, so trying to find find Dan would be tricky. We asked people in town, but no luck. We decided to take a break. We checked into a two bed hotel room. Louise decided to go to a café down the street. I stayed inside the hotel room. I decided to check my voicemail. I had a message from my mother. I listened to it.

"Look, Phil. It's not safe for you to go on a wild goose chase for Dan. He's dead. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Come home, please. Your father and I miss you dearly. Love you." I sighed and locked my phone. She doesn't understand. He's alive. These notes are proof. I buried my hands under my pillow. I felt a piece of paper. I looked at it. 'Phil, you're getting hot. I'm still in York, if you're lucky, you might find me.'

My eyes widened. 'Dan's still here?!' That thought screamed inside my head. I quickly got out of bed and ran out of the hotel room. I ran to the café where Louise was. Louise was reading a magazine she bought, and sipping on her coffee. She looked up from her magazine. I showed her the note from the hotel room.

"You think he's still here?" She asked. I nodded. "Well, can we take a break? I've been up since four this morning. We deserve a good night's sleep." She was right. We did deserve a good night's rest.

The next morning's sun came up. I looked at Louise. She was still sleeping. I got out of bed. I got dressed. Louise must have woke up, because she was looking at me without my shirt on. Her face was bright red. I jumped and quickly shut the door.

"Louise! Do you mind?"

"S-Sorry!" She stuttered her apology. I quickly got dressed and let her use the bathroom. She got dressed into a really cute, blue dress. I smiled a little. "What?" She asked.

"You look good in blue," She blushed. "Ready?" She nodded and we head out. There was a note on the windshield of Louise's car. I walked up to it and read it. 'Phil and Louise, I'm no longer in York. Sorry that you missed me. Try the next town over. ~Dan.' I sighed.

"He's probably in the next town over." We walked back into our hotel room and packed our stuff. I checked us out. We got into her car. I drove to the next town over. I looked at Louise.

"Listen, Louise. If we never find Dan, I just want you to know, and I mean this as a friend, but I-" I was interrupted by Louise's screaming. My eyes go back on the road. We were swerving off the road. I jerked the wheel and we hit a tree.

"Phil!"


	3. Chapter 3

I was unconscious. Memories ran through my head. I was seeing them from a third person perspective.

It was a crisp fall. Phil was six. Phil's class was on the playground. Dan was swinging on the swing set. Phil was sitting on the bench. Some year two students crowded around Phil. They knocked the book out of Phil's hands. Phil started to get scared. One of them lifted Phil off the bench and pushed Phil against a brick wall. Phil started crying. They started laughing at Phil. Dan stopped swinging and ran towards Phil.

He tried to pull them away, but they just shooed him away. Dan bit the year two student's arm, the one who was holding Phil. The student dropped Phil and swung at Dan. Dan ducked and punched him in the groin. The student fell to the ground in agony. Phil was still crying. Dan reached for Phil's hand. Phil took it, and Dan smiled. Phil dried his face.

I was hearing thumping in my head. It was my heart beating. I covered my ears to make it stop, but it didn't.

"Are you okay, Phil?" Dan asked me. Phil nodded. The memory faded and switched to the time Louise, Dan and I were at summer camp.

Louise, Dan and Phil were sitting on Dan's bed. Louise technically wasn't allowed in the boys' cabin, but we didn't care. We were playing Uno. Louise always seemed to have the best luck when it came to Uno.

"I win." Louise declared as she placed her last card down.

"You always win." Dan smiled.

"I'm bored. Can we do something else?" Louise asked. We packed up the cards.

"Want to go swimming?" Phil asked. Louise and Dan nodded. Louise walked back to her cabin to change, and Dan and Phil changed in their cabin.

After they got changed, they met up at the lake. I was waiting at the shore. They were having a good time. Dan was watching Louise and Phil splash each other. I smiled. 'If only you were here, Dan.' I thought. My smile faded. The heart beat got louder. I gripped my hair. 'Am I dying?'

The memory changed to Phil laying in a hospital bed. Louise was holding Phil's hand and crying. I was having an out of body experience. I couldn't hear anything though. Everything was in black and white, like a silent film. Louise lets go of Phil's hand and stands up to make a phone call. She was crying more during the phone call.

An hour passed. Louise had returned to the chair beside Phil's bed. Dan was hesitant, but he walked in. Everything returned to color. I could hear Louise crying. She glared at Dan, then got up quickly and slapped him.

"You're a terrible man! He loves you, and you ran away! You ran away because you couldn't face your feelings!" She shouted.

"That's not true! I ran away to find my purpose, and I found it! It's Phil! He's my purpose!' Dan yelled back.

"If you hadn't faked your suicide, he would be well!" She cried and ran out of the room. This shocked Dan. He knew Louise was right. 'Don't listen to her, Dan!' I tried to shout at him, but he couldn't hear me. Dan took the seat Louise was sitting in. Tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Phil, I never told you this, but you are the greatest person I know. I love everything about you. The way your smile makes your eyes crinkle. The way your eyes shine when you talk about something that makes you happy. The way you cheer up everyone around you. Please, I ask for one thing, for me, don't be dead." Dan's voice broke when he said the last sentence. He gripped Phil's hand tighter. He kissed Phil's forehead.

The heartbeat got loud as it could, then went silent. My breath got caught in my throat. Everything went white. I couldn't see Dan anymore. I could hear him crying, then it faded to nothing.

Phil Lester, was dead.


End file.
